Aaaaaaand…I’m back! We had a beautiful week away at the beach with extended family and friends, complete with almost all the Southern food my little (but expanding) self could desire. It was so nice. The boys had cousins to play with, Chris was able to really be on vacation for one of the first times EVER, we both had great long conversations with other adults in the evenings, and then, of course, the food. Even the 8-9 hours of driving each way went really well, since we broke it into two days each time, and the boys were amazing. Between their energy and my for-multiple-reasons need to take frequent breaks from the car, we ended up stopping several times each day to run around and explore. It was lovely and memorable and relaxing and I am so so so happy we went.
Being gone also gave me an excuse to have a medical-free week for the first time since mid-March. I am now back to reality and some of what vacation delayed is coming up this week. Heart echo, lymph node ultrasound, oncology blood work, and cardiologist this week, followed by oncologist, OB, and OB blood work the following week. There is a week at the end of the month that is clear at this point, but I have faith that something will be added in. And that is assuming that all of the scans and blood work this week are clear…which I am tentatively assuming, but obviously not certain about.
And then there is baby. 🙂 Whether it was just “time” or a third baby/relaxed abs, or all of the yummy food, I appear to have started showing just a bit over the past week. I managed to go med-free on vacation week but have taken the Zofran a couple of times since coming home…overall it seems that the sickness is fading. So, we are nearly officially to the good part–my effective second trimester. Feeling good, showing, and soon to be feeling baby movement…love love love! I love ALL of it from here. Okay, I could do without insomnia this time (thanks, Luke) but even the “I am huge” discomfort of the last months is part of what I love about the pregnancy experience. Call me crazy. Right now I am dwelling in this “it will all be like it has been before” land (meaning no chemo overlap with pregnancy) when I look forward, so all of this effusiveness could be calmed fairly drastically as things play out in real life…but for now, I can have that vision.
One of the interesting things about spending a week with people you haven’t seen in a year is how much conversation there is around your very unique medical situation. I had gotten past the point of recounting the whole story with most of the people who are a regular part of my life, so it’s mostly been updates or a mention of the latest blog post. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t actually mind talking about it in a setting like that. It just made me realize some of the things I haven’t been thinking about. There are things about this disease and my future treatment that I don’t have much information about yet, and I will frankly admit to NOT Googling any medical stuff for quite some time. I did a little on lymphoma before the diagnosis, a little on ABVD chemo after the first oncology appointment, and “chemotherapy and breastfeeding” shortly after that. Since then, nada. Need to know info only at this point, for the most part. Until I need to do more than think in generalities about all of it, I really don’t want to know. I end up being a little uninformed in conversation about it, but I can live with that.
Head in the sand? Maybe. Coping mechanism? Sure. Some element of living in THIS moment, this day the Lord has made, and knowing that trying to deal with an unknown future too specifically will drive me to the kind of obsessive worrying and anxiety I have experienced in the past? Definitely. I have had times with relatively little of that in my adult life, but it was always waiting around the corner, usually with the next pregnancy. I wish I had somehow been able to come to this place sooner in life–knowing, truly KNOWING, that even when the emotions of my situation well up, I am so loved and carried along in that love that I cannot fall to any injury or lose my true reality to any earthly struggle. And trust me, this is not ME. Not how I have often lived and certainly not under my own power. God’s grace and the prayers of an unknown number of brothers and sisters are the only way I could be even remotely calm about this. Don’t worry, I have my moments! I am pretty clear at this point about my “don’t wanna do it!” feelings regarding many aspects of what may come. But I know that all is well. “It is well with my soul.”
And it ain’t just the foodstravaganza talking. 🙂